i can only say so much.
yanyan's stories. life as written by me.
Thursday, May 31, 2007

yan was okay riding the bus to school. she thought she would be late because she had to finish her hw's before going to school. she said a silent prayer during the ride. one time, tears almost fell but she was able to hold them back. she kept reciting reassuring words in her head. they worked!

during her first class, they discussed morality. she tried her best to listen to the lesson. but once her attention lapsed, she decided to write in her diary/journal. here the tears she held back, fought back and they won. she tried to cover her face in a handkerchief - his handkerchief. nobody noticed. good. she tried to pretend that everything was fine and went on with the rest of the class.

2nd period came and she was too entertained by their prof that she listened intently and tried not to think. it worked!

lunchbreak. after eating. she talked to a dear friend. then the tears came back. she went back to writing in her journal and pretended to be busy so that nobody would notice. only one person saw the tears slowly falling down but yan told her not to tell anyone. nobody seemed to mind. once again, she found solace in the handkerdhief. she tried to wipe them. with fear of getting noticed, she desperately rushed to the bathroom. there she let go of those damn tears. she went back to the table and got coins. then she did the only thing that she knew would comfort her and pacify the stubborn tears... she called him up. thank god for the pay phone. after the casual conversation, she was calm. she forgot about the tears.

last class. she wa still a bit numb and unexpectedly, she got called to come up front and do some script-reading in front of the class. being the actress that she is, she performed and did well. the numbness didn't show at all. her mind flew into the pages, into the lines that she had to read with feelings. it was fun. it was relief. after that, the class watched a movie. they watched MAGNIFICO. such a powerful movie can melt any numb heart nomatter how frozen it may be. now the whole class was crying. tears were everywhere. eyes were swelled. this is great! this is fabulous! now she wasn't the only one. everybody was crying. she couldn't be any happier. finally, she was in a place where it was safe to shed the those damn tears without fear, without holding back. she cried. because of the movie, because of the yesterday that happened, because of everything. but she was happy. the whole class cried along with her. this is great. what a movie! she loved it.

after class, she was all smiles. she bought an ice cream for herself then went to the chapel to pray and ask for strength. hours passed and she found comfort among friends, stories, coffee and a yummy waffle with whipped cream and strawberry syrup. the day ended on a happy note.

this kid should grow

i'm such a kid. i have a lot more things to learn. i have to learn to smile more, to laugh more. i've got to learn to be more understanding. i've got to be stronger. i have to learn. i have to learn how to accept. i must learn how to be patient. i must learn how to lose and accept defeat. i must learn to stand down. i must learn to be more kind. i must learn to be more sweet. i must learn to say no. i must learn when to say no to myself. i must learn when to run away. i must learn when to go ahead. i must learn how to be selfless. i must learn to not think too much.i must learn to be strong. . . . . . .

saying goodbye is never easy.

pero teka. i don't want to say goodbye kaya. nope.

it's just, uhhh.... bsta. hindi ito goodbye. :P

pero things end. ayun.

i want to be strong but im not. i don't know... i'm lost. help me find myself.

i don't want to be sad anymore. my eyes hurt.

Saturday, May 26, 2007
when it rains, it pours

sadly, this line not only applies to blessings, but also to misfortune.

"moving on"

i lost you before. you or at least an older version of you... you left without notice and it hurt me. i had regrets, a lot of what-if's. but that didn't matter. you were gone and i couldn't do anything about it. i had to accept it. i had to move on. i admit, it wasn't easy. it was the darkest of times, the lowest of times. . . but i let myself heal. i let myself move on. i had to. there was no other choice. time passed and i came across a new "you". i was hesitant to take you back but i couldn't help it. i was happy again. i had you again. you were there beside me. always. and we were happy. we were home. i learned to depend on you. i was used to you being there. pero i made mistakes. stupid mistakes. now you're gone... again. magulo ang pagkawala mo. hindi ako sigurado. hinanap kita pero hindi na kita nakita. naiwan ba kita somewehere o did somebody steal you from me? shock. here we go again. i have to move on, again. one thing though, i refuse to be as sad as before. i'll try. i can't promise pero i will try.


NAWALA NA NAMAN ANG PHONE KO! yung sun ulit. yung phone ko na mahal ko. yung galing ke mama. potah. second time na toh. huhuhu. hindi ko alam kung pano exactly nawala. basta nung hinanap ko siya, wala na siya. huhuhu.... i tried looking for it everywhere, pero wala. binalikan pa ng friend ko pero wala. huhuhuhuhu.... sad sad sad yanyan....

sad ,





it was raining that night.

nothing in my life is going right. help. /

Thursday, May 24, 2007
the love-less bus

taking public transportation is always an adventure. you'll never know who you will meet, who you will sit next to. for the pst few days, i've prayed that i don't have to go home alone. i just don't want to. hehe. luckily, i've caught sight of a few friends of mine who were more than happy to ride the bus with me. most of the time, it was just pure coincidence.

the funny thing here, is how much i have in common with these bus-mates of mine... wahaha. each one has their own version of a colorful and/or dramatic story of love or the current lack thereof. hahaha. birds of the same emotional state, ride the bus together. korni! hahaha.

btw, first day of classes ko kanina. i must say, things are going okay. actually, masaya nga eh! wahahaha. my day started great. pinaupo ako nung isang dude sa bus. pnalo din ang first class ko. relstri. kilala ko n yung prof pala. haha. i had him before na eh. i also lo00ve my clsm8s there. ;) concept was pretty interesting. ang kukulit nung dalawang ms. eh. haha. mukhang challenging nga lng sa dami ng workload. sa feature subject ko nmn, may gash! it's like vidprod all over again. pero at least isang video na lang ang output. kaso, feature film ang length. 90 minutes of doom. waaah. although masaya na toh kasi labs ko ang mga kagrupo ko. hahaha. :P masaya din ang pauwi. haha. ayun.

life is a roller coaster. may high din naman kahit papano after ng low. god is good. all the time.

motto: i am strong. :)

Friday, May 18, 2007
CLA Day 2 - LPEP 2K7

Assistant sounds dapat ako eh. Pero may inasikaso kami ni Reg kaya kinita namin si Clarence sa condo niya. Kaya umalis kami ng Sports Complex at nilakad ang hanggang condo ni Clrnce. Medyo malayo ito at medyo sobrang napaka-init pa naman! waaaah. pawis, magulong hair at over-all kadugyutan ang resulta nito friends. yack. hahaha. Holy Kamote ba naman! Bigla akong kinailangan to host kasi wala pa si Kizia na dapat sanang host nun.

Waaaah. Ako ay naka-shorts at tsinelas lamang! Wala akong dalang make-up at wala ng panahon para magmake-up. sows!! Hindi pang-host material kumbaga! hehe. Ayoko din naman humarap sa madlang public na mukhang basahan. hehe. Mabuti na lang at matino ang blouse na sinuot ko kanina. (swerte nila!) Pinahiram ako ni Clrnce ng palda, nagayos ako ng mukha at ayun! Lumipad na kami ni Reg pabalik ng Sports COmplex. Pagdating namin dun, malapit na talaga yung part ng host. waaaaaah!!! Ayaw nila pumayag na naka-tsinelas lang ako kaya pinahiram ako ni JOy ng black na chucks niya. yikes. binigay sakin ni Nikkibau ang mga bling2x niya. nanghiram kami ni Jana ng hair iron sa LSDC-Street pero walang epek kasi minadali at pasaway ang hair ko. last ditch effort to at least look decent tapos ayun! sugod na sa gitna ng gymnasium to host with Sir Redgie. Waaaaah. Ni hindi ko nasilayan kung ano ang itsura ng outift kong iyon. mukha ba akong ewan? haha. Yaan mo na! Karirin na lang ang paghohost para di na halata ang minadaling get-up. whew. ok naman. hahaha... u owe me one big time guys. tsk tsk... buti na lang College of Liberal Arts iyon (my college) kundi... hahaha. jwk! para sa gmg eh. ganun talaga.. nax! =P

kinagabihan, dinner with GMG sa greenbelt. chubby china ang destinasyon. sumabay kami ni majoy sa kotse ni bancs together with keithleen. maya maya, pinara kami ng isang Makati traffic enforcer dahil sa isang violation pero dahil sa magical powers, charm, drama at fake tears ni bancs, kami ay pinalusot! woohoo! kinabahan pa naman ako nun kasi akala ko totoong umiiyak na siya. amazing! palakpakan naman jan! :P

nabuo nga pala kanina ang FAMILIA DE LA POBRE! pero take note, british ang accent ng Pobre Family. Ganun talaga, we have to talk fancy because in reality we are pobresitos and pobresitas. hahaha. :P laughtrip talaga. si nikkibau ang POBRE SR., si majoy ang POBRE JR., at ako si POBRE III. don't forget manong magsy ang POBRE ANCESTOR. wahahaha. memorable. thank you nga pala kay Mami Ria!! *kiss* :P Andaming GMG na pumunta, parang napaaga ang reunion na dapat ay sa June pa. hehe. msarap na kwentuhan nga pala kaming LP girls habang pauwi. nabitin ako. haha.

hep hep hep. i have homework to do pa... gotta go! ciao dear blog! :D


jogging is good for the health.

it is good for the cardiovascular system - the heart and for the lungs too.

it will help improve your stamina, metabolism etc.

it will make you appreciate things.

it will make you breathe harder.

it will help you breathe easier eventually.

it will help clear your head.

running is good for the mind, body and soul.

-> nagjogging kami ni lolo adi nung isang araw. ang saya saya. hehe. uunahan namin yung athlete dude na yun someday! awo0of! =P susubukan namin itong gawing weekly habit. susubukan ah. hehehe

Tuesday, May 15, 2007
my election post is in another page

you try to stay strong but there are times when you just snap.

there are days when you listen to songs so intently in the hopes of finding the right words to express how you feel. sadly, you find yourself listening to all sorts of songs with all sorts of lyrics and messages. apparently enough,you're feeling all sorts of things too. so you get pinches of lyrics from many different songs and you try to fit them in your tiny brain. haha. goodluck friend.

you will wish it was easy but it's not. if you willed something to happen and it hurts you as a result, should you blame yourself? you close your eyes and pray. you pray for guidance, for strength, for courage.

you see different roads ahead of you. but as far as you can see, each has a dead end.

your heart hurts. it shouts. but it's speechless. it's kept in chains. it's surrounded by clouds of confusion. but it doesn't mean that it's not crying, bleeding.

every day. every hour. every minute.

you are tortured by the smallest details.

you wish that it wasn't this hard but it is.

you''ve always been weak. so very weak. . .

all logic is shouting back, but my heart is weak...

you'll wish life wasn't so hard.

i wish life wasn't so hard.


Sunday, May 13, 2007
sing me a lullaby if you please

before i went to sleep last night, this song kept on swimming in my head...

wish i could be the one, the one who could give you love
the kind of love you really need
wish i could say to you that i'll always stay with you
but baby that's not me
you need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
who'll give you something better
baby that's something i can't do
oh i can say that i'll be all you need
but that would be a lie
i know i'd only hurt you
i know i'd only make you cry
but i'm not the one you need
i love you goodbye.

leaving someone, when you love someone is the hardest thing to do
when you love someone as much as i love you
oh i don't want to leave you
baby it tears me up inside
but i'll never be the one you're needing
i love you goodbye.

it's just a song. not everything applies to my life.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

NO i am not turning into a model!

wahaha! dream on kid! :P let's leave the seriousness and emo-ness. hehe. here's the story. . .

kanina was the first LPEP Day 2 program for this year. part of the program was confetti and balloons falling down from high above the gym. yeah, it does give an o0mph effect to any program but of course, before that happens, somebody has to put the confetti and balloons up there right?

so! here comes majoy, reg, kat and me! haha! we climbed all the way up there to the catwalk to put the stuff which will fall down later anyway.

getting there is not easy. you have to go up the fire exit stairs. get out onto the rooftop and come in to the "sauna" part of the building where the catwalk is located. you have to duck down to avoid hitting a big pipe, climb up a steep ladder and voila! catwalk here i am!

nga pala, when i say catwalk, it's the high metal lakaran way up in the gymnasium. it's located like 7feet from the ceiling of the gym itself. basta, it is HIGH up there. if you look down you see the basketball court. if you fall, it WILL HURT... a lot. :P bawal dito ang may phobia sa heights.

staying there is not easy din. your hands will get extremely dirty and you will sweat like a pig. man it sure is hot up there. thus the nickname "sauna".

basta, so there we were, pulling strings and putting the stuff into the green tela. it was scary ah pero fun. actually , nag-ingay lang ako dun eh. hahaha.

i've always wanted to go up there to experience it pero now that i have, ok na ko. parang ayoko nang ulitin! wahahahaha.. :P


here are a few of the things i realized/pondered about...

@ i should think of the things i should be greatful for
@ i should pray more often.
@ there are a LOT more people out there who have bigger problems
@ try your best to learn from others
@ find the things that make you happy
@ enjoy the company of your friends
@ don't think too much
@ what one person does can affec another's life or maybe even more
@ be happy with what you have
@ the happiest people are those who are contented with whatever they have
@ i should sing more. it keeps me sane and alive. :)

Saturday, May 05, 2007
yow shorty, it's mah ___ .

may 4, 2007.

Holy Kamote! I'm 19 years old! Sh*t! It's my last year of having "teen" in my age. waaaah! I can't believe it. Just last year, i was surprised to be of legal age, but now meeehhhn! I'm turning old. hahaha. Well, the important thing is that it doesn't show in my face naman. Nax! Wahahaha. (Pagbigyan na, bday nmn eh)

Trivia pala muna! Lam niyo bang sa pamilya ng tatay ko, three of us cousins are celebrating their birthdays today! Asteg diba. Si Kuya Sherwin, si Jason at ako, all May 4 celebrants. Coolness. :)

Well, for the most part, this day put me into a lot of reflection and emo-ness. haha. epekto siguro ito ni emo spiderman sken. haha. anywaaaayyy...

Birthday mo nga, pero it doesn't mean that the world will stop and pause for you. You won't get any special treatment whatsoever from the rest of the world who doesn't care who you are. Tatayo ka pa din sa bus pag walang maupuan. Papawisan ka pa din sa Sports Complex dahil mainit. Gugulo pa din ang buhok mo sa hangin. Normal lang diba? Well, the most striking difference of this day are the people who greet you. Nakakatouch sa totoo lang. Some people whom you thought have long been lost somewhere in Antartica, are actually in the same city as yours pa din pala. Old friends rise from the ashes and greet you with all their might. New friends pop up and show their concern. Masaya pag madaming bumabati. Nakakataba ng puso. Pramis. :)

Ayy!! Kaya pala, thank you mode muna ko sa lahat ng bumati. Sa mga family ko, DLA friends, GMG Friends, CAO people, UBE friends, nad everybody else in between, salamat po ng marami! Salamat nga din pala sa cake na bigay ng aking P.Animal Girls. hehe. Hindi ito natapon. Yahu!!!

Dun sa mga bus na nilagpasan ako kanina at hindi pumara, panget kayo! hehehe.

Nagdala nga pala ako kanina ng Spaghetti at Mechado sa school. Oh diba! Cost -cutting pero masarap pa rin!(syempre, luto ni mama eh) Sa mga hindi nakatikim, naku, you missed 1/19.37762124 of your life. :P

Ano pa ba?... Hmm.. Madami akong "just in time", "oh no", "buti na lang", "grrrr" at "haaaaay.." moments kanina. Hehehe. Amazingly malabo yung statement na yun. haha.

Basta ayun. I usually hate it pag bday ko eh., And guess what, i sitll feel the same way for the most part. hehehe.

Pero I'm happy naman! Looking forward na to tomorrow! :)

I'm sleepy na....

Z z z z z z..


*Yo showty...*

Tuesday, May 01, 2007
let god tell us.

The girl looks at the sky and sees the moon hiding between some clouds.

The boy walks the girl home.

She kept her hands in her pockets but he takes his hand. She was confused, shy. They held hands and talked about issues that have long been overdue. Cars zoomed by and they crossed the road still holding hands. The girl thought that somehow this still felt right. Still they walked on.

She looks at the clouds once again and sees that they have formed curious patterns in the sky. It was breath-taking.

Upon reaching the front gate of the girl's house, they stopped. They sat down along the sidewalk.

The wind blew. This was a welcomed miracle since the whole day has been scorching hot. Hot sunshine was everywhere. A torture for resltess people but a comfort for cold-stricken souls. Now everything was peaceful. All was quiet, the streets were dark and the lamp lights seemed to be focused on them.

For a third time she looks at the sky and sees that the clouds have parted.

Time swept along with meaningful conversation. Too deep maybe for some, but for them it was quite the norm. She asessed her feelings. He did too. Questions were asked. Jokes were cracked. Laughter was shared. Feelings were brought out. Amazingly, no tears were shed. The confusion was just sorted out. Life and love questions were attempted to be answered.

Decisions were made.
They're not giving up.

The clouds now come back.

They are quiet as they enjoy the cold night breeze.

It was already late but they enjoyed their time together.

They're not letting go just yet.

And, as if it were a sign from God...

just as midnight struck,

rain started to fall.